Idiot Seraphim, The Rewrite
by Meowzy-chan
Summary: The old 'classic' returns in a new, pimpin' jacket! Cruxis decides recruit a new Seraph and who would be more fit for the job than Zelos? Z/L and K/Y.
1. Prologue And Chapter 1

((**A/N**: Guess who, everyone? Yeahhh... I live. Even after all these years, I still keep getting the occasional notification from , telling me that someone's subscribed to my stories or added something to their favourites. That always fills me with tremendous guilt, because I never touch my account anymore and my stories are filled with fail. That's why, five years after the original's debut, I've decided to upload a _rewrite_ for Idiot Seraphim. I always liked the premise, but I was young and rampant, so obviously the execution of this story was nothing short of horrifying. In this rewrite, I've decided to correct some of the biggest mistakes I made, such as the more rampant OOC, and basically improved a lot of aspects. Now, it's more like a parody story and less like something that seems like it was actually meant to be taken seriously.

Anyway. Uhm... Let's see... I don't own Tales of Symphonia or the characters. This story has Zelos/Lloyd and hintings of Kratos/Yuan and friendly-ish Mithos/Genis. I think that's all the warnings I need to give. I hope you guys will enjoy.

* * *

Prologue. 

The strange story of Idiot Seraphim takes place in Alternate Land. Yes, that's right. _Alternate land_. For you see, the story diverts after Colette was kidnapped to the lower levels of the Tower of Salvation, her groupies risked their lives to save her but they were too late. Martel, the slumbering half-elf, was awakened for a few minutes. Let me tell you, this woman got up on the wrong side of the Great Seed. Terribly moody. However, in order to point out the relevance of this moment to Alternate land, I'll direct you to the fact that is, in fact, alternate. At that time, Lloyd was able to convince Mithos there was another way to free the world of discrimination. Said way involved bribery with cookies and Genis, but let's not worry about the random details. Therefore Mithos gave up on his age of lifeless beings and let Colette go, Martel's soul once again returning to the Great Seed where it belonged.

Celebrations were postponed, however, Lloyd still had to defeat Kratos, so Origin would be freed. One might think it's selfish for Kratos to exploit his son like that, just to come to terms with his past sins. After all, asking your own flesh and blood to kill you isn't exactly an example of proper fatherhood. Whoever thinks that would be correct. However, no harm was done thanks to Yuan's heroic and daring rescue. Obviously, the fact that the Renegade leader was hiding in bushes wasn't creepy at all.

Using the Eternal Sword, Lloyd reunited the worlds and bathed the Great Seed in Derris Kharlan's mana. The Summon Spirit Martel was awakened, and the new World Tree was born. Having lost the power of the Eternal Sword, Derris-Kharlan left the planet's orbit, taking Welgaia and Vinheim with it. The three Seraphim stayed behind, Kratos included. Because, let's face it, sending a man off on a flying rock with no company other than lifeless angels is the most cruel thing one can do. Having no place to live, the Seraphim created a new castle in the top of the Tower of Salvation, which had never been destroyed. This castle, aptly named Vinheim the Second, became their new base of operations. Their battle against discrimination continues to this day. Lloyd returned from his journey to search for Exspheres three days after he'd left, due to an incident at the Tethe'alla bridge. He got a much better job as guardian of the New World Tree. The fact that he's only eighteen years old matters not, apparently.

This story starts two months after the worlds were reunited. It was, however, _not_ the Dawn of a New World.

* * *

Chapter One.

Today was the day which would later be known as "that day". Of course, "that day" is a very general concept. Any day can earn the added title of "that". However, what's worth noting is that this particular day earned a low-husky voice and narrowed eyes whenever someone spoke of it. It was the start of it all, and therefore "that day" was always treated with a sort of ominous contempt. It started, however, like most other days; with Mithos throwing a hissyfit.

"Hey, where are the cornflakes?" the blonde demanded in his usual voice of would-be authority, opened one of the empty kitchen cabinets only to slam it shut again.

"You ate them," Kratos replied slowly, not even bothering to look up from his newspaper. There were only few things which could distract the man from his daily newspaper, and common occurrences such as Mithos whining weren't one of them.

"Now what am I going to eat for breakfast? I demand cornflakes!" Cruxis' leader wasn't easily swayed, determined to get at least _some_ form of attention.

"Either you eat one of the many other breakfast foods we have in the house, or you will have no choice but to wait. Yuan has yet to return from the store."

"The… store?" A completely blank expression on his face washed over Mithos' face. He sat down at the table, opposite of Kratos, staring at his fellow Seraph in an almost transfixed way.

"Yes. Yuan and I take turns in grocery shopping." Barely taking notice of the boy, Kratos' eyes were still fixed on the newspaper. There was a particularly interesting column about washtub rides in it, today. He did, however, manage to raise an eyebrow in response to Mithos' questioning. "Where did you think our food comes from?"

"Heaven?"

There was a deep, heavy sigh which could never be matched by anyone in either Sylvarant or Tethe'alla. "Just because we claim to be angels does not mean we get food from heaven."

"Well, that's not a very good deal now, is it?" Mithos said irritably. "So when's the food gonna get here?"

"I am not certain. Yuan should have returned by now. I must admit, I'm getting worried." For the first time in ten minutes, the swordsman's eyes moved away from the newspaper and travelled to the clock. Indeed, Yuan was one of those aforementioned few things which served as a distraction.

Of course, as always in this line of work, timing is a key issue. At that exact moment the door flew open and Yuan walked in, a heavy frown set on his face. He quickly dropped four large shopping bags on the floor and slumped down on a chair. One might think that he'd had a rough day, but those who knew him well would argue that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. If there was one person who suffered from the worst luck, it was this particular ex-Renegade leader.

"Fooood!" Mithos gave a loud cheer, lunging towards the bags filled with assorted goods. His companion's distress was completely ignored in favour of his own comfort, as was the norm in Cruxis.

"You're late," Kratos stated. To the casual observer, it might seem he was reprimanding his friend. Of course, the casual observer wouldn't know that Kratos is socially inept. This particular statement was, in fact, a clue to show that he'd missed Yuan.

It's too bad, really, that the half-elf in question tended to fall under 'casual observer' as well. The comment passed him without so much as a spark of recognition. "I was just outside the tower of Salvation when I found out I'd lost one of the bags. I had to fly all the way back to the grocery store, then battle a hobo to get it back. That Pope turned terribly vicious after he lost his job, let me tell you."

"Hm." This statement, sounding like a blank grunt, was in fact Kratos' way of showing sympathy. It too was virtually ignored.

"But that's not all," Yuan continued. "When I was on my way to the highest floor of the tower, the elevator broke down. You won't appreciate the height of this thing until you've had to fly to the top."

"Oh, _booohooh_!" Mithos offered in reply. Not only was this meant to be sarcastic, it was also reasonably disgusting. The boy's mouth was already full of potato chips. Meanwhile, the cereal lay forgotten at the bottom of one of the bags.

A small silence followed, in which a glare was sent from Yuan's eyes to Mithos' general direction. Then the Renegade leader leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. "Say, I was thinking…"

"That's never good."

Another glare zoomed towards Mithos, but like all other glares, it seemed the boy was immune. Which is why Yuan then tried to continue his words as if nothing had happened. "For four-thousand years now, we've been called the _Four_ Seraphim. But for four-thousand years now, it's been only the _three_ of us. Isn't it about time we found a new fourth Seraph?"

"What are you talking about? Martel is the fourth Seraph!" Mithos shouted, getting to his feet. Just to make his point more clear, he slammed his hands onto the table at the same time. If there was one subject that was still touchy for the boy, it was his dead sister.

Yuan raised both hands to his temples, rubbing them to stop an oncoming headache. "Mithos, Martel is gone. After the Great Seed was awakened, she merged with several other souls to become the guardian of the new World Tree. Get over it."

"No! She's _not_ gone! We _will_ revive her!" Mithos raged on, delusions still a great part of his personality. Much to the irritation of his companions, of course.

"Right. If you say so." A simple roll of the eyes was enough to show that Yuan was still doubtful of this fact. "Anyway, until that time comes, we could have a sort of... _replacement_ Martel. Just think about it. One more Seraph means one more soldier in our battle against discrimination. Plus, he can help around the castle. I'm sick of pulling your hair out of the showerdrain."

"You can't prove it's mine!" Mithos growled.

"It's long and blonde."

At this point, Kratos finally decided to cut in. The conversation was relevant to his job and living situation, after all. "Mithos, Yuan has a valid point."

"About the hair?" the boy asked, nervously tugging at his blonde locks.

"No. About a fourth Seraph. We've lost all our Grand Cardinals, as well as the Desians. Frankly, we need all the help we can get."

"_Yes_. Exactly my point," Yuan chimed in, before turning to give his companion a bright grin. "Thank you, Kratos."

"_Thank you, Kratos_!~" Mithos echoed in a wonderfully high-pitched voice, which was supposedly an imitation of Yuan. It earned a blank stare from both men, causing Mithos to clear his throat. "Well, all right. Who did you have in mind? Is it Genis? Ohhh, I hope it's Genis."

"Obviously not," Yuan replied bluntly. "A Seraph needs to be in possession of a Cruxis crystal and angelic abilities. "

"But what if we-"

"No. We promised Lloyd we wouldn't make any more Cruxis crystals," Yuan spoke before Mithos could even finish his suggestion.

"Personally, I am fine with anyone. Though I have to object against Colette," Kratos offered. "Her cheerful attitude will no doubt end up conflicting with the serious, professional air we are trying to convey to the outside."

In truth, Kratos objected to the notion because Colette's cheerful attitude would conflict with his own emo ways. It was a problem he had run into four-thousand years ago, while travelling with Martel. Just before she had died, the swordsman had gotten horribly close to actually developing social skills. It'd been a close shave, indeed.

"Oh goddess no!" Yuan replied immediately, shuddering. He too had noticed the similarities between Colette and Martel.

"How about Lloyd? He's a Seraph, in a farfetched sort of way," Kratos suggested. Of course, a bias towards his son had nothing to do with this. Obviously.

"No! His wings are too big and shiny. People will think he's the leader. And he's not!" The blonde cut in. If there was one thing Mithos Yggdrasill couldn't stand, it was being upstaged.

For a while, there was silence. Considering how uncommon Cruxis Crystals were, it was difficult to find someone fit for the job. Aside from the four original Seraphim, there was only Lloyd and the two Chosen Ones.

"I think I know just the guy…" Yuan pondered suddenly.

* * *

And so the trio of Cruxis arrived at a certain mansion in Meltokio half an hour later, where they explained their situation to a certain red-haired Chosen One. Because, really, who saw this coming?

"So, you want me to be the new fourth Seraph?" Zelos Wilder asked, raising a perfectly lined eyebrow.

"One can't deny you're perfect for the job. You've got angel wings, just like us. You've betrayed Lloyd as least once, just like us. And you're gay, just like us." The words had left Yuan's mouth without so much as a hint of shame. Coming out of the closet had had a strange, almost personality-changing impact on the man.

It did, however, earn him a sharp nudge in the ribs from Kratos. It also earned him a shocked splutter and matching facial expression from Zelos, who jumped back and nearly stumbled over his own doorstep.

"Whoah, whoah! Hold on! I'm not gay!" The Chosen exclaimed desperately, waving his finely-manicured hands in front of him.

"Who do you think you're kidding? Surely we'd recognise our own kind," Mithos said, his voice carrying a slight tone of outrage.

"You're wrong then! I'm straight!" Zelos crossed his arms, sticking his nose as high up in the air as it could go in an indignant manner. Mithos coughed loudly to hide his laughter.

"Zelos' sexuality is hardly relevant to the situation, nor do I particularly _care_. So what's it going to be?" Yuan asked, effectively getting to the point.

For a moment, Zelos seemed to actually be considering the matter. A rather wondrous sight, as he'd earned the title of 'Idiot Chosen' for a reason. Opportunities to see him using his brain came only rare. "What's in it for me?"

"You'll be one of the four glorious Seraphim who watch over the world. You'll aid in the battle against discrimination, thus making Aselia a better place!" Mithos said proudly.

Zelos said nothing, nor did he seem to be even remotely impressed.

"The title ensures that you rule over Cruxis, the remaining Desians and the Church of Martel. Furthermore, we will grant you a place in our luxurious castle and you'll fall under the Cruxis insurance plans." Kratos added, trying to appeal to the Chosen's selfish nature.

"Hm…" Zelos was not quite convinced.

Yuan, however, _did_ know how to handle arrogant slackers. Especially the type that was in denial, which is why he came up with the perfect argument. "Hunnies love guys with angelic powers."

"Wow, really? Lemme get my stuff!"

* * *

((Yeaaaah... Stay tuned!))


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two.

"Sooo, this is Mithos' castle?" Zelos asked, strutting into the main hall as Kratos and Yuan tried to drag his luggage over the doorstep. In this case, luggage was another, much shorter word for 'half the contents of his mansion'. Things might have gone faster if Zelos and Mithos hadn't proclaimed the concept of helping out to be preposterous.

"We would prefer if you called it Vinheim the Second," Mithos replied shortly.

No attention was given to the scene of Yuan accidentally dropping a suitcase onto his foot and cursing loudly.

"Oh? Well anyway, this looks nice. I was expecting ruins, black voids and a cheesy floating throne," Zelos commented, reaching out to poke one of the statues that decorated the hallway. It appeared to be some sort of ugly gargoyle. Mithos coughed loudly, which probably had something to do with the perfect description of their previous castle.

"We decided to go for a more… _cosy_ look this time," Yuan resorted to simply flinging Zelos' suitcase into the hallway. "You should've seen Vinheim the First… There were hundreds of libraries, stairs that lead nowhere and lifeless angels everywhere. Just _leering_ at you as you passed."

Mithos smirked, remembering the fact that he himself was the one who put the angels up to that. It'd been a simple command, really. 'Glare at Lord Yuan every time he passes', so they did.

"So where are those angels now? This place looks deserted," Zelos said, looking around. Somewhere in the distance, his voice echoed back to him.

"They were stupid enough to stay in the castle when Lloyd released Derris-Kharlan from the planet's orbit. They're probably floating around space somewhere by now." Mithos grunted. Clever lifeless beings were so hard to find, these days.

"I'm glad they're gone." Yuan started tugging at a cardboard box, which seemed to be filled with something heavy. "I just know they were laughing at me behind my back."

At this, Mithos couldn't help but snicker. That too had been a very easy command to give the angels. It seemed his amusement gave him away, though, as he immediately had to duck to avoid one of Zelos' suitcases. When it came down to it, Yuan had a wonderful throwing arm.

"Hey, guys! Easy with my stuff!" Zelos huffed indignantly.

"In that case, you can carry it yourself from now on. Bedrooms are on the second floor. Simply find yourself an empty one and settle in there," Kratos spoke, turning to head further into the building. The other Seraphim muttered in agreement and started to follow.

"Wait! Aren't you going to give me a tour? I could get lost!" Zelos called after them, sounding almost desperate.

"There's no need to be concerned. This castle's design is similar to Vinheim the First. Only the first two stories are useful. The other five consist mostly of empty rooms and useless items. You can imagine that we have gathered quite a lot after four-thousand years." Kratos paused for a moment, before continuing. "Also, there are a couple of treasure chests the casual adventurer would enjoy. I suggest leaving those alone. We boobytrapped them to prevent burglary."

"B-boobytraps? You guys set boobytraps?" The red-head asked nervously, glancing down at the floor to make sure he wasn't about to step on any hidden switches.

"If anyone tries to rob us, they'll have a spear sticking through their head in less than a second. It'd teach them a lesson if they didn't end up dead on the spot. We poisoned the arrowheads to make sure they snuff it, even if it accidentally misses their brain. A gruesome way to die, when you think about it." Yuan paused for a moment, before smiling cheerfully "Well, you have fun now! Dinner's at six."

With that, the three Seraphim headed for the living room, leaving Zelos alone with his luggage and fears.

* * *

Ofcourse, Cruxis' new Seraph was late for dinner. He'd grossly underestimated the castle's size and amount of corridors, causing him to lose a lot of time on his quest for the kitchen. To his dismay, he then found out they were going in to eat in the dining room.

"Jeez, a lot of stairs here lead to dead ends!" Zelos complained loudly, finally managing to park his slacker behind in a chair with no intention of getting up again any time soon.

"It's another measure to prevent burglary. Confusing them will lead to frustration, which leads to more faults while they try to perform their job," Kratos explained. Aside from being farfetched, this idea did make a lot of sense upon closer examination. If there's anything Home Alone has taught us, it's that a frustrated burglar is extremely likely to screw up.

"You'd have to be crazy to rob an ominous-looking castle in the top of a religious tower that reaches into the clouds." Of course, by now Zelos was starting to feel rather tired and decided to just change the topic before another ridiculous comment was thrown his way. "Anyway, what's for dinner?"

Once again proving that timing is the key in stories such as this one, Yuan entered the dining room. He was holding a large, steaming pot of _something_, which was dropped on the table with a proud grin. If the smell wasn't ominous enough already, the following comment was enough to seal the deal. "Muskrat meatballs."

No words could ever describe Zelos' facial expression as he tried to comprehend what had just been said. "Musk… rat."

In complete contrast to the Chosen's horror, Kratos gave a short grunt of approval and held out his plate. While short grunts can mean a lot of things, in this case it could be roughly translated to 'I have no objections'.

"I still say it tasted like canned ham," Mithos complained, trying not to look at the terrible façade that was meant to be food.

Yuan replied by throwing his pink oven-mitts at him.

"Whoah, hold up here! You don't think a man of my stature would eat muskrat, do you?" There was a slightly frantic tone in Zelos' voice as he backed away from the table, one hand reaching into his pocket. Within seconds, he'd procured a cellphone and started dialling. "Hold on for a sec."

The other Seraphim exchanged blank stares in confusion. It wasn't so much the fact that Zelos refused to eat the food that had caught them offguard. It was the fact that only two months after the reunification of the worlds, cellphones had already been invented. Kids these days and their new-fangled technology.

"Yo man, it's Zelos. I've got an emergency here. Could you come over?" the red-haired Chosen asked the person on the other side of the line, before hanging up again. It was, undoubtedly, one of the shortest conversations ever had.

"Who did you call?" Mithos asked, leaning onto the table with a curious expression.

"All will become clear," Zelos said simply. There was a sage-like expression on his face. One that said 'I know something you don't'. Considering this was Zelos Wilder, it was a moment he'd have to savour. He hardly ever got a headstart when it came down to information.

Suddenly, a postman walked into the room, pushing a large wooden box along on a trolley. It was strange, really, that with all measures against burglary, a postman could still come and go as he pleased without even having to ring the doorbell. Not that anyone from Cruxis was complaining about this. It just made their lives easier.

"I've got a delivery here for a Mr… Cruxis?" the postman asked with a note of uncertainty as he squinted at the form.

"Cruxis is the organisation," Mithos growled in response.

"Right. Sign here please," The postman held out his clipboard, which Zelos hastily signed. "That seems to be in order. Have a nice day."

There was one last tip of the hat in gratitude, after which the postman made his retreat. Everyone just watched him go, though their expressions differed. While Zelos seemed to be content, Mithos looked a bit shocked and Kratos was wearing his usual blank expression.

"Okay, two questions. One, how did that postman get here? Two, what's in the package?" Yuan asked, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Completely ignoring question number one, Zelos walked over to the large box and placed his hand on it. There was a loud bang and an explosion of smoke which could give anyone with a weak state of mind a heartfailure. When it cleared away, a man with a large chef's hat and a red cape was standing where the package used to be. He carried a fork almost as big as himself, which was being raised high into the air.

"I am the mysterious gourmet, the Wonderchef!" he called dramatically.

As incredibly peculiar as this moment was, Zelos paid no attention to it. In fact, he seemed to think that men in chef's outfits popping out of nowhere was the most normal thing in the world. "Yo, bud! Listen, these guys wanna feed me muskrat. So I'm thinkin', that's not gonna happen. Could you teach them some decent recipes?"

"Certainly." The Wonderchef nodded, before proceeding to raise his fork again.

It was only a matter of seconds until Yuan, Kratos and Mithos had learned how to make pizza, french-fries, hamburgers, noodles, lasagna, gratin, union rings and Thanksgiving turkey.

"Wow, thanks Wonderchef!" Mithos said happily.

"Farewell!" Wonderchef called, before disappearing with a bang of smoke.

"Let's throw those meatballs out the window and eat something decent!" Zelos was already getting up from his chair, ready to lead the way into the kitchen. Well, _attempt_ to lead the way into the kitchen. Likely, this would be preceded by fifteen minutes of wandering and the other three Seraphim insisting that they lead the way instead.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three.

That same night, three of Cruxis' four Seraphim had soon devoured what could be described as their best dinner in years. Zelos, who was used to luxurious gourmet food from Tethe'alla's best chefs, found it to be only mediocre. However, considering it was an incredible step up from muskrat, he didn't dare complain.

"All right, time to head for the meeting room," Mithos announced after they'd finished eating.

"Meeting room?" Zelos echoed blankly.

"Yes. It's time we explain the rules of being an angel and inform you of your tasks," Yuan said, already getting to his feet.

In response, Zelos gave a loud whining sound. The words 'rules' and 'tasks' didn't agree with him whatsoever. Was there some sort of fine print to being a member of Cruxis? Maybe he should've asked his lawyer to compile an official contract.

"It's all standard procedure," Mithos explained, trying to motivate Zelos into getting up from his chair. "Cruxis has meetings pretty often to discuss strategies in our fight against discrimination. Those racists aren't going to plot against themselves, you know."

"But that sounds boring…"

"Zelos, get your lazy ass to the meeting room before I kick it there," Yuan snarled, his eyes narrowed into slits.

Tethe'alla's former Chosen had hurried over to the door within five seconds.

* * *

They arrived at the so-called 'meeting room' five minutes later. Zelos, who had been expecting a long table surrounded by chairs, was surprised to see that it was more like a classroom. While originally one of Kratos' ideas, Mithos had decided that using the school surroundings was actually a stroke of brilliance. It was _symbolism_. After all, who better to inform the lower masses about the dangers of discrimination than all-knowing angels?

Yuan sat down in a corner, while Mithos sat down in one of the front seats, determined to pay close attention. Zelos simply took one of the chairs next to the window, overlooking the gloomy inside of the Tower of Salvation. Really, those windows were only installed for show, yet they were just as distracting as the real thing. Meanwhile, Kratos remained standing in front of a blackboard.

"Now then. Let us start by welcoming our newest member, Zelos, into the group," he spoke solemnly.

Zelos turned away from the window to see Mithos glaring at him, as Yuan waved merrily.

"It's time to explain the rules of Seraph-hood. It would be wise to take notes on this, Zelos." Kratos reached into the depths of his pocket to retrieve a piece of chalk.

"But… I don't have a pen or paper…" Zelos replied slowly. He'd never brought his own things to school. His hunnies would always ensure that he had pencils, erasers and calculators a-plenty. Anything to keep him from flunking.

"That is not a very good first impression." Kratos shook his head, before continuing. "In any case, we of Cruxis have but one main rule. Don't go showing off your wings or other angelic powers."

Despite the fact that they were working in the name of Cruxis, known everywhere as the organization of angels, exposing their secret identities as Seraphim was the biggest taboo. As far as the common folk were concerned, they were nothing but angel _worshippers_. As Mithos often stated, they _deserved_ to worshipped. Yuan often proclaimed this logic to be ludicrous, but he was always ignored.

"But I accepted this job to impress the hunnies!" the Chosen protested desperately.

"Tough luck." Kratos remarked. Mithos snickered quietly from the front of the class, but it was mostly ignored. "You should be happy with your other perks. Now that you're a real Seraph, you won't age a day."

"One of the _few_ positive things…" Zelos muttered under his breath, glaring out the window again. While he couldn't deny that eternal beauty was quite a bonus, he enjoyed arguing for the sake of arguing.

"Ouch!" Mithos piped up, breaking the relatively short silence. He reached into his hair, pulling out a small folded piece of paper that got gotten tangled in the blonde locks. "Kratos, Yuan threw an airplane at me!"

"Yuan, behave yourself," Kratos commanded. It wasn't a reprimanding tone of voice, but the look on his face was enough to make any troublemaker go quiet.

"Yes Kratos…" The Seraph in question mumbled, staring at the floor.

Kratos continued by drawing a sketch of an angel on the blackboard, accompanied by an explanation on how to control to mana in your body. This was needed to stop the aging process. After that, he elaborated on teleportation skills. Zelos found this all very boring and had zoned out within ten seconds. His thoughts drifted off to manicures, food and his fangirls.

"Zelos, did you get all that? No questions?" Kratos asked suddenly, snapping the redhead back to reality.

"Huh? Uh, no, it was all very clear," Zelos lied.

"Excellent. Now then, Cruxis' main objective is to rid the world of discrimination. We promised Lloyd we would give up the Age of Lifeless Beings, which means that we must try another approach. This being protesting and other such radical actions. Which brings me to the topic of last week's meeting, Project FEZ." Kratos pulled a string and the blueprint of a large building came down, covering the blackboard. There were all sorts of things doodled over the paper, indicating important rooms or hallways. The words 'Mithos was here' decorated the bottom right corner of the map.

"For those of you who didn't know, or have simply _forgotten_…" Kratos paused to shoot a quick glance to Yuan, who shrugged helplessly. "FEZ is short for Free the Elves of Sybak. For too long have those half-elves been trapped in the academy of Sybak. We are going to break in there and free them all."

"Can I just… stop you right there, Kratos?" Zelos asked. Mithos and Yuan both turned in their seats to stare at him. Nobody had ever dared to interrupt Kratos during a meeting before.

"… Yes?" The swordsman asked, his eyes narrowing ever-so-slightly.

"Firstly, Sybak is spelled with an S. That'd make it Operation FES."

"Details, details," responded Mithos with a quick wave of his hand. He was the one who'd come up with the nickname.

"Secondly, ever since the Pope was relieved of his position, the half-elves aren't forced to do research there anymore. Those who are still there, are there of their own free will." Zelos continued.

"That's where you're wrong. Those half-elves are too _intimidated_ to leave. There's only one way to deal with this. We will tunnel our way into the cafeteria, round up all the half-elves and set the place on fire," Kratos said fiercely. Mithos cheered loudly in response.

"But… Isn't that a bit too… harsh? Shouldn't you at least give them a warning?" Zelos asked, a slight note of hesitation in his voice.

"You think we haven't tried that already? Why, a mere five days ago, Yuan barged in there with a megaphone, shouted 'Free the half-elves!' and threw a couple of smoke bombs in the main hall."

"The guards chased me with very large clubs…" Yuan added, as if it proved their point.

"No more objections, Zelos?" Kratos enquired.

"Uhhh…"

"Good. Now, the main problem of this operation remains. Where do we leave the half-elves? Exire is becoming too crowded after we saved the researchers from the Elemental Research Facility." Kratos said.

"That was you guys? It was all over the news! Everyone thought they were kidnapped. Apparently, their guess wasn't that far off." Zelos gave a soft chuckle, which soon died out because nobody else joined in. The redhead immediately came to the conclusion that dusty old Seraphim have no sense of humour.

"Oh, I know! We can dump them at the Meltokio slums!" Mithos said, bouncing up and down in his chair.

"No! That would only make their situation worse." Zelos objected. It didn't once strike him that dismissing one of Mithos' ideas might be a stupid thing to do. What kind of idiot would he be if he thought before speaking, after all?

The blonde gave him a defiant stare in response. "Then what do you suggest we do, huh?"

"Let them go wherever they want to go," Zelos spoke simply, leaning back in his chair. "If you want them to be free, they should be able to decide for themselves."

"Very well. All in favor?" Kratos asked. Yuan and Mithos nodded, though the latter did so rather reluctantly. "Motion passed. Now, for the next topic on our agenda. Lloyd is throwing a party tonight because Raine and Genis returned from their travels for a few weeks."

"Really? Genis is back?" Mithos asked happily. He leaned forward in his seat, as if to get a better view. Obviously, there was no point in that, as Genis wasn't exactly hiding underneath Kratos' desk.

"All in favor of crashing the party and getting drunk beyond all reason?"

"Hell yeah!" Yuan called, raising a fist towards the ceiling.

"Uhm… I don't have to crash the party. I uh… got an invitation." Zelos said weakly, a relatively anxious smile tugging at his lips.

"What? Lloyd invited _you_, but not his own father? His flesh and blood?" Kratos growled.

Zelos shrugged in response. Truthfully, he knew perfectly well why Kratos hadn't received an invitation. Despite the fact that they hadn't been united for more than a few months, Lloyd had learned fairly quickly that inviting your father to a party was a very dumb thing to do.

"That means we won't have to crash the party! Zelos can take us with him!" Mithos called happily. Assumptions were always easy to make, and Cruxis' leader couldn't think of a single reason why people wouldn't want them at the party. Who _didn't_ love the Seraphim who'd ruled the worlds behind the scenes and caused countless people to suffer all these years, right?

Zelos gave another shrug. As long as those three freaks stayed far away from him, there wouldn't be a problem. "Fine by me."

"To the party!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four.

The next morning, Zelos awoke with a monstrous hangover. It took him about a minute to remember where he was, as he stared blankly at the ceiling above him. Man, that had been one heck of a party. He remembered talking to Sheena, trying to get as far away from his fellow Seraphim as possible and drinking lots of beer. After that it was all one big blur. He supposed he was too drunk to go back to Vinheim last night, because this was obviously Lloyd's place. He raised his hand and ran it through his hair. It caused a headache, but at least he managed to get a few locks out of his face.

Suddenly, something stirred beside him. Zelos turned over in the hopes of seeing a beautiful hunny, preferably Sheena, only to receive a nasty shock instead. A loud, high-pitched shriek ran through the house and Lloyd Irving opened his eyes just in time to see something with orange wings jump out the window.

Kratos, Yuan and Mithos looked up to stare at the red-haired Chosen who came bursting into the kitchen as they were having breakfast. A small silence followed, after which they turned their attention back to their plates.

Zelos, still not quite used to being ignored like this, cleared his throat. "Ahem."

"Hey Zelos. Back from Lloyd's place?" Mithos asked.

The man in question raised an eyebrow. "If I weren't, would I be standing here?"

"Jeez, I was just making small talk. No need for sarcasm."

"Whatever. Listen, the strangest thing happened to me. I… I… woke up next to Lloyd this morning!" Zelos blurted out, expecting to see surprised or even shocked faces. But his fellow Seraphim merely blinked and a long silence followed, which Zelos decided to break irritably. "… _What_?"

"We kind of… saw that one coming," Yuan said after a moment of silence.

"Indeed," Kratos added, reaching for the newspaper. "You were all over him last night."

"I was?" Memories were rather absent in Zelos' mind, leaving him remotely surprised at this claim. He knew he was a little too close to Lloyd at times and liked playing around with the kid from time to time. The others knew that too. Was last night really that different?

"Oh, yeah, you kept calling him 'Hunny' and breathing down his neck. That was kind of disturbing." Mithos gave a quick roll of his eyes.

"But nothing could've happened, right? It was just the alcohol, right?" Zelos pressed urgently. It _had_ to have been the alcohol. He'd passed out in Lloyd's bed, and somehow managed to lose his clothes in the process. That was the only real, plausible explanation.

"Listen, Zelos. You're a good kid. Not exactly the brightest bulb in the shop, but you've got relatively good intentions. I don't mind you starting a relationship with my son. However, if you break his heart, I will break every single bone in your body in exchange." Kratos directed the folded newspaper he was holding towards Zelos as if it were a sword.

"No! I'm not like you people! I'm straight!" The pink-clad Chosen shouted, turning slightly red in the face.

There was another moment of silence. After that the three Seraphim were doubled up with roaring laughter. In fact, their laughter was so loud that it managed to leave Vinheim the Second and echo through the Tower of Salvation. Mithos fell off his chair while Yuan banged a fist on the table, and not even Kratos could hold his composure against such a claim.

"Stop laughing! It's _true_!" Zelos shouted furiously.

"Zelos, let me ask you something. What kind of shampoo do you use?" Yuan asked, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Peach-scented with a hint of apple, designed for extra lushness. It's also easy on the scalp. …Why?"

"What kind of swimtrunks do you wear?"

"Speedos. The tight kind."

"And you can braid hair?"

"Well, yes… but…"

"Heck, you're even more gay than Mithos," Yuan proclaimed wisely.

"Hey, that's discrimination! Stop discriminating!" Mithos shouted, pushing himself to his feet again to glare down at the other man.

"It's not discrimination. It's simple mockery," Yuan snickered.

Mithos grumbled some incoherent words, sitting down at his chair again. There was no way for him to counter that, so instead he resorted to sulking moodily.

"Listen, I'm not gay," Zelos insisted firmly. The idea was preposterous to him. Really now, Tethe'alla's only Chosen a homosexual? Nobody would dare dream of it. Well, except this one fangirl he had a few years ago, but she'd been given a restraining order after one too many ridiculous requests.

"Ah, I remember when I was still in denial…" Yuan said nostalgically, resting his head on his hands.

A smile, seemingly foreign on Kratos' face, managed to dawn anyway as the former mercenary contemplated this. "Mm, those were the days. I cannot say they didn't pay off. If I weren't together with Anna, Lloyd would not have been born and the worlds would still be divided."

"Wait… That means your denial caused my downfall." Mithos scratched the back of his head thoughtfully.

"Erm… Riiight… I'll be in my room…" Zelos said vaguely, hurrying away from the kitchen. These people were all freaks and he flat-out refused to be one of them. If it weren't for the fact that he'd already fired Sebastian, his butler, he would've returned home immediately.

* * *

A few days later, Zelos was having the strangest dream. He was hiding in a dusty, dark broomcloset while Lloyd stood in the hallway, screaming for him to get out. When Zelos refused this offer, the Eternal Swordsman started to pelt the door with peaches. Even so, he refused to leave the gloomy, yet somewhat comforting solitude of the closet. That's when Mithos, Kratos and Yuan appeared in there as well. They told him to get out of this nasty place and come to Vinheim with them, because it was just so much nicer there. When Zelos still refused, Mithos stepped forward and tried to offer him a peach.

That's when the dream blurred away, as he was awoken by loud yelling. It took him about ten seconds to decipher the words, which were something along the lines of "Hey, idiot! Wake up!". Of course, such a thing is hard to pay notice to when you're still half-asleep and buried face-deep in a cushy pillow. This is why Zelos grunted, waved a hand at nothing in particular and tried to sink back into slumber.

"I command you to wake up!" the voice called, and soon after a pair of hands started to shake him.

"Ehhh?…" He opened his eyes to see Mithos kneeling on the bed next to him. "I said I don't want your damned peach."

The boy paused, instantly looking shocked. "… My what?"

"Oh, eh…" Zelos rolled over, realizing which memories were real and which were just a dream. A loud yawn escaped him as he stretched his arms above his head. "Never mind. What time is it?"

"Four o'clock."

"Go away…" Zelos muttered, instantly rolling back over again and hiding under blanket. Maybe if he ignored it, it'd go away.

"Get out of bed, lazy bum! It's time for operation FEZ!" Mithos insisted, shaking him again.

"Operation whatnow?"

"Operation FEZ! Free the Elves of Sybak! Kratos and Yuan finished the tunnel just now."

"Aw man, not this again." Zelos' voice was extremely muffled thanks to the layer of blanket, but it was still somewhat coherent.

"Get dressed! We'll be waiting downstairs." Mithos gave him one last shake, hopped off the bed and left the room.

"Why did I take this job again?" Zelos wondered aloud, dragging himself away from the warm comfort of his pillow to be forced out into the night. Well, at least it beat the dark and gloomy broomcloset from his dream.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five.

"Damn, it's so cramped in here…." Zelos complained, as the four Seraphim were crouching low in a long but narrow tunnel. It was dark, it was damp and it smelled terrible. In a way, it was similar to Vharley's filthy laundry. The torches they'd brought were barely enough to see five inches in front of them.

"This is the best we could do in such short notice," Kratos' voice replied.

"Just hurry up and get this over with! I'm claustrophobic." Yuan called from somewhere in the back.

"Hey, how about we have a nice long lunchbreak in here?" Mithos suggested, a snicker so evident in his voice it could be noted even by a deaf person.

Yuan tried desperately to get to the front of the group and strangle the little twerp, but this endeavour ended in disappointment. He couldn't quite reach him because Kratos was in the way.

"Mithos, just hurry," Kratos said, clearly not amused by this turn of events.

"Yeah yeah." Mithos took out the blueprint of the academy to double-check. This required a lot of squinting and holding the torch as close to the paper as possible without reducing it to ashes. "If all went well, we should be right underneath the cafeteria now. It's seven o' clock, which means the half-elves are having breakfast. We'll lead them all safely into the tunnel, before setting the place on fire."

Zelos squirmed uncomfortably. There were so many things that could go wrong with this idea, he wasn't sure how to word his concerns. Finally, he decided to just sum it all up in one general question. "What if… things don't go as planned?"

"Let's put it this way. Should we be discovered by the large, most likely violent guards, Yuan will act as a decoy," Mithos replied simply.

"I never agreed to that," Yuan growled from the back of the tunnel. He was ignored.

"Alright, let's go!" Sparkles and a brief flash of light illuminated the tunnel as Mithos transformed into his alter-ego Yggdrasill. Zelos couldn't help but hum the 'Saturday night fever' song. Yggdrasill turned back to throw a quick glare at him, which went completely unnoticed in the darkness.

Finally, it was time to start their mission. Yggdrasill moved the tile above his head and crawled through the hole in the tunnel's roof. The others quickly followed out after him, one by one, only to arrive in the middle of the Research academy's cafeteria. All the half-elves stared at them suspiciously.

"See, I knew we'd gotten to the right place this time," Yuan remarked proudly.

"_This_ time?" Zelos repeated, mildly horrified at what that implied.

Yggdrasill clambered onto a table, before clearing his throat in an attempt to seem important. "Hear ye, half-elves of Sybak! Your salvation is nigh!" he called. The half-elves stared at them even more. "We, the angels of Cruxis who act in the name of the Goddess Martel, have come to set you free!"

"E-excuse me?" One of the half-elves piped up.

"You will no longer be forced to do useless research! Instead, you will be able to roam free! Like the animals!"

An echo of murmurs began to break out amongst the researchers, who were starting to look absolutely scandalized. Zelos shifted uncomfortably again, while Yuan reached out to take a sandwich from a nearby plate. The half-elf who previously owned said sandwich didn't dare to object.

"Now, hurry into this small and cramped tunnel, so we can torch this place to the ground!" Yggdrasill called out, still under the impression this mission was an absolute success.

"Go away, you creeps!" a scrawny half-elf ran at Yggdrasill and shoved him off the table. Cruxis' leader staggered and managed to prevent himself from hitting the ground face-first, but the half-elf just started punching him madly.

"Ah! Ouch! This is for your own good! Eeek!" Yggdrasill started backing away, covering his face with his hands. Sadly, his way was soon blocked by a wall. "Stop beating me up, you inferior being!"

This last exclamation was a big mistake. Suddenly, all four Seraphim were buried under a pile of raging research half-elves. Anyone who ever thought nerds couldn't fight would have gotten the shock of their lives if they'd seen this brawl.

"Not the face!" Zelos shrieked, trying to keep the half-elves from beating the life out of him.

Yuan resorted to jumping on top of a table, though he was outsmarted when the piece of furniture was overturned. Yggdrasill, meanwhile, was soon dangling from a chandelier while his assailants attempted to claw at him from below. Kratos tried desperately to fend the researchers off with his sword without hurting them, which was quite a fight in its own right.

"Stop! Leave them alone!" called a familiar voice. A deafening silence fell and the half-elves immediately stepped away from the Seraphim.

"K-Kate!" Zelos stuttered, crawling to his feet with wide eyes.

A half-elf with green hair stepped forward, adjusting her glasses with one hand. Indeed, it was Kate. "Chosen, what are you doing here with these maniacs?"

"Well, I…"

"Who are you calling maniacs?" Yggdrasill cut in.

"_You_ people. What are you thinking? This place is our home!" Kate called. The other researchers nodded in agreement.

"Kate, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Ozette?" Zelos asked, dusting himself off and making a mental note to take his clothes to the drycleaner. On very rare occasions, his brain was capable of multitasking.

Kate rolled her eyes in response, though she couldn't quite keep a smile off her face either. "I returned a few weeks ago. Being free is highly overrated."

"So, you're saying you want to stay here and be discriminated?" Yggdrasill asked, finding that claim extremely hard to believe. His expression mirrored this sentiment perfectly.

"That's where you're wrong. We're not being discriminated here. We get a decent salary now." A sly grin crept onto Kate's face, before continuing. "Even more than some humans."

"Oh…" Yggdrasill hopped down from the chandelier, bit the inside of his cheek, glanced to the floor, the ceiling and then the floor again. Obviously, he wasn't quite sure what to do about this. "Uh… Well, if anyone wants to escape… We'll leave the tunnel open. Just in case, you know."

Zelos took a quick look around the cafeteria. Yuan had been knocked out cold and Kratos was trying to lift him up from the ground with some difficulty. The researchers didn't seem all too eager to help him, instead working on putting the nearby table back on its legs.

"Thanks for saving us Kate. You're not so bad after all." Zelos gave her a cheeky grin, before hopping into the tunnel with a loud "Bye!"

Kratos, in turn, gave some sort of indistinct murmur which was most likely an apology. Then, Yuan slung over his shoulder, he followed Zelos into their home-made exit.

"So, you're sure you're not being discriminated?" Yggdrasill asked one last time.

"We're sure." Kate's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Ah. Well, can I have a snack then? We skipped breakfast."

"Sure." Kate handed him a nearby cinnamon roll. The fancy kind. It took two weeks of union meetings to have those served at the cafeteria, but it was worth every second.

"Thanks. You half-elves are all right. Uhm, I mean, you researchers are all right. No! I mean… Uh… Bye!" Yggdrasill quickly jumped into the tunnel to make a swift escape.

"Was he discriminating us?" One of the half-elves raised her eyebrow. They all exchanged contemplative murmurs, before quickly closing off the tunnel and deciding this entire incident had never happened.


End file.
